Growth.....

Moving on to greener pastures.....come visit me at my new site!

Disconnected

Reverb10 Day 12-- Body Integration: This year, when did you feel the most integrated with your body? Did you have a moment where there wasn’t mind and body, but simply a cohesive YOU, alive and present?  Courtesy of  Patrick Reynolds.

This makes me nervous, but it really doesn't take  a Rhodes Scholar to figure out that as an overweight, tired, 40 year old woman I don't always feel integrated with my body. In fact, I'd venture to say that more often than not, I feel more of an outer-body experience whenever I catch a glimpse in the mirror.

Don't get me wrong; I know the right answer. I feel integrated with my body when I take care of it. When I appreciate it. When I feed it well, stretch it out and pamper it a bit. I feel integrated when I feel alive; when I'm walking, downward-dogging and enjoying that long, slow, deep stretch as I wake up in the morning.

Lately, though, there's more disintegration than integration. There's the convenience food rather than the food that feeds not only the body but the soul; the excuses that preempted the walks and the downward dog devotion; the lethargy that kept me hitting the snooze rather than the ground running.

I'm making changes now that will, hopefully, lead to a very different reality come 2011. First and foremost, I'm learning that the integration starts in the mind; not the body. Choosing to be grateful for this body, what it does and the amazing gifts it gives me rather than berating it for the extra fluff it's held on to is step one. Breathing...deep, slow, filling breaths. That's step two. Getting help is step three. Step four is accountability. And step five is celebrating. I've never celebrated the tiny baby steps in being a better me, but I am an expert in beating myself up for not reaching the end goal. Not a coincidence that my actions perpetuate the circle. And I'm the only one who can change it.

11 Things

Reverb10, Day 11--11 Things

What are 11 things your life doesn’t need in 2011? How will you go about eliminating them? How will getting rid of these 11 things change your life? courtesy of Sam Davidson

Well, let's see. Thinking about things my life doesn't need is simple but Lord knows that even though there are quite a few things I don't need, that doesn't mean I'll get rid of them (thinking things here like coffee, unnecessary spending and my devotion to The Young and the Restless). Then there are the things that really, truly serve no purpose but I keep them around because I haven't yet been ready to let them go.


1. Excuses. Yep, I make them and half the time I don't believe them either. They never help; yes, they might prolong the inevitable for just a bit, but whatever I'm trying to avoid is still there, waiting patiently, resolved to not budge.

2. Blame. The ugly twin of #1. Blame needs to go, and I need to fully accept my responsibility for where I am and how I live my life. No matter what someone else does (or does not do) I choose how I act or don't act.

3. Denial. I'm 40-freakin-years-old;  no reason to pretend that refusing to acknowledge my bank balance means it will magically grow.

4. The weight. Yep, I know I say this every year. And around this time, every year, I'm completely pissed off at myself because I weigh the same I did in January. But right now my back hurts, and I know it's my extra weight; I'm always tired, but know that's the extra weight. For whatever reason I was never really ready to let it go before; I think I'm ready now.

5. Thinking 'this is it'. I'm a realist, and I don't believe in the 'if you think it, it will happen' movement. I don't care how many times I think "I am 6 foot tall with long flowing black hair and a perfect nose"....just ain't gonna happen. BUT that doesn't mean that I have to think that this is it....no, it's not. I'm only stuck if I refuse to move.
6. Facebook stalking. Oh,shush....you do it too.

7. Wasting time. I don't utilize the little pockets of time that I have well, and I've always been an 'all or nothing' type of girl. I need to learn how to leverage the 20 minute gifts of time to my advantage instead of piddling them away. I'd be so much more productive.

8. Crappy music. Let's just say I wouldn't shed a tear if I never, ever, ever hear Taylor Swift's voice again. Or Kesha's, or Jessica Simpson's.

9. Pretending that making a home isn't important. I downplay this part of  my life sometimes because it doesn't seem as important as some of the other tasks at hand (making a living, buying groceries, etc). But creating and nurturing an environment where the kids love to be, where they feel loved, where we all feel comfortable; well, that's important to me and I love puttering around the house, finding ways to make it seem nicer than it is. I shouldn't discount that.

10. Being too busy to plan. I'm a big fan of the 'fly by the seat of my pants' school of thought. And the world doesn't end when I'm scattered, but I create a lot of stress for myself (and those I love). I need to take a few minutes to plan and stop telling myself I 'don't have time'. I'd save so much time if I'd just think before I act.

11. Beige. Or black, since they're pretty much interchangeable; I tend to say 'beige' about the lifestyle and black about the clothes, but the sentiment is the same: conformist, boring, sad. Uninspired. I refuse to live a color-less life. I think that's the reason I'm missing scrapbooking so much....I miss the color, the paint, the combination of things that make the heart smile. This year, I need less beige.

Wisdom, or something like it

Reverb10 December 10 – Wisdom. What was the wisest decision you made this year, and how did it play out? prompted by Author Susannah Conway 

Full disclosure: I avoided this prompt yesterday. Wisdom is such a big word...so much bigger than smart, clever, accomplished, intellectual, knowledgeable...bigger, even, than the definitions I found when I felt lost and went looking for clarification. First shot, from the 'look up' function in Word:

  

good sense: the ability to make sensible decisions and judgments based on personal knowledge and experience 

Yeah. Ability, though, doesn't always translate to doing, now does it? I most certainly have the ability to make sensible decisions. The will to execute, though, is another conversation. 

Take two, from dictionary.com: 

–noun 1. the quality or state of being wise; knowledge of what is true or right coupled with just judgment as to action; sagacity, discernment, or insight.

Better....combines knowledge with action.  It's that combination, I think, that separates those who do from those who know. Question is, what spurs the action? Perhaps wisdom, in part, comes from understanding our motivation and what lies behind the voices that divert our attention from what's really important and keep us in the cycle of acting without wisdom.

This year, then, I'd have to say that the wisest decision I made was to stop thinking that everything is about ME. Taking the advice that I give my kids, that when someone is mean to you or hurts your feelings it more than likely has to do with them, and what they are dealing with, than it does with you. That when things don't work out the way you want them to it's not because the universe hates you; in fact the only connection to me is probably that I got from the universe what I gave it. 

Part of coming to terms with the fact that it's not all about me is taking responsibility: responsibility for my thoughts, for my actions, for my decisions. Someone may have done something that I hated; doesn't mean I have to react with hatred. I cannot control them, but I can control how I respond (even if I choose to not respond....sometimes inaction is an action in itself). 

Second point of full disclosure: this decision I made, to stop thinking that everything is about me, is something I fail at. Often. Daily. I forget to put ego aside, I get worked up in what I want or need and I forget to follow through on my wise decisions. I assume that when someone hurts my feelings they meant to do so, that when they slight me it's because they don't like me or that when they don't keep their word it's because of ME. I am still learning these things. I still struggle. I still fail.

The hardest part of the struggle, I think, is breaking the habit of assuming the worst. I don't think I'm a Debbie Downer, especially when it comes to other people and their  circumstance. When it's me, though, I have come to understand that I think in a way that doesn't serve me well. I assume deals will fall through; I assume people won't value my work; I assume I am less than.  Breaking that cycle, that's the real work.

"If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at will change."

~ Wayne Dyer

Party Time

Reverb#10, December 9:

Prompt: Party. What social gathering rocked your socks off in 2010? Describe the people, music, food, drink, clothes, shenanigans, courtesy of Shauna Reid

Oh Holy Moses. Here's the blog post where I have to admit, up in front of everyone, that I don't really have much of a social life. Not a social life, anyway, in terms of parties that rock the proverbial socks. I have dates, trips, time with friends and gatherings but I couldn't tell you the last time I partied.


The one gathering, though, that did get my stockings all twisted up was my stepsister Alyson's wedding. In downtown Chicago (brownie point #1), adults only (brownie point #2, #3 and #4) and full of all things good. The rehearsal dinner: low key yet elegant, scrumptious food, fabulous company and full of laughter.

The ceremony: simple, heartfelt, gorgeous. Alyson glowed and Reid beamed and I was reminded that some people really do love each other just as they are, without pretense or prerequisites. Seeing them smile, hearing their vows and watching them love each others' families was proof to me that sometimes there really are two people meant to be together.

The reception/dinner/dance: in two words: Wolfgang Puck. Grown up food, which we all know I enjoy but usually forgo for the sake of the my kiddos' still-developing palates. Amazing wine. Romantic gestures, tear-jerking father daughter dance, mesmerizing first dance and bop til you drop dancing. I had the best time watching everyone let loose.

I was so proud to know Alyson that night and even though I'd just met Reid I was happy to welcome him to our blended, sometimes dysfunctional and unusual family. I marveled at the woman Alyson has become: smart, confident, calm and so much herself that she inspires me to strip it down, say what I mean and just be me. There's not an ounce of pretension in her, just honesty, humility and a ridiculous amount of smart. She's the kind of person I hope my daughter grows up to be like and someone I'm lucky to know, if even only on holidays and big family events.

Different

This is a tough one. Reverb#10 Prompt December 8--Beautifully Different.

Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different – you’ll find they’re what make you beautiful. from the fascinating Karen Walrond.

Tough because on the surface, I have always had an obvious physical difference: my hair. Growing up I longed for something normal to grow on my head and secretly wished for coal black hair. I wasn't picky, though, and would have been happy with mousy brown, dishwater blonde or platinum....anything but red.

For the uninspired boys at school my hair gave them an easy out; they didn't have to work very hard to think of something to make fun of, they simply fell back on the old standards of 'carrot top', 'Ronald McDonald' or my all time worst nightmare 'Annie'. Didn't matter if the barbs were uninspired; they worked anyway.

Now that I'm older, though, I feel like I've grown into my hair. I feel sad that it's growing ever-more blonde with the passing years and wish that it was still as bright and fiery as it was way back then. That whole 'hindsight is 20/20' thing is true, I've learned.

The tough part of this prompt, though, is finding a link between the 'what makes me different' and 'what I do that lights people up'. Because what I do that lights people up is no different than what millions of mothers/women/daughters/sisters/friends/lovers/partners do every single day that lights others up. We listen, share, encourage, laugh, support, hold, prod, shock, question, touch.....we do hundreds of little things every single day. Not because we're unique, or different, but because we are women. 

How I do it is, perhaps, different than how other women do it; you know, the whole 'different strokes, different folks' concept. But what matters in the end is we do it. Simple as that.

Letting Go

Been thinking about this all day, the reverb10 prompt that I should be writing about: community. And I have to admit.....I've got nothin'. Sure, I could come up with something but it's just not a prompt that's speaking to me much.

One prompt I missed earlier in the month, though, is. Letting go. Surely had Alice Bradley met me even once she'd know that letting go isn't something I'm familiar with. I guess it's more of a common problem than it is my own special affliction, but really; we can be talking feelings, control, kids, or even old hole ridden clothes. Doesn't matter one bit, I hold on. Tightly.

But this past year I had no choice when it came to Adam and his starting high school. Being used to spending significant time being very involved in every little aspect of the kids' school, sending him off into this huge building that looked more like a college campus than any high school I remember, was a bit of a leap for me. Not knowing how the block schedule works, which kids make out on his locker or how many times he gets offered something he knows I'll kick his ass if he accepts is part of it. The bigger part, though, is that he doesn't need me anymore; ok, he needs me but not like he used to. It's a sharp reminder that in only a few short years he will be off--truly on his own--and building a life independent of me.

And while that is what our job as mothers is, to prepare them to lead happy, productive, good lives it still smarts just a bit to not be a part of it. I'm constantly reminded--by his calm nature, his confidence and his enthusiasm--that it's ok to let go, to watch him spread his wings and to encourage him to fly.